Roberts Funeral Home - Ashland Obituaries

Death Becomes Them: A Dash Through Ashland's Obituaries

Alright, gather 'round, folks. I've got a tale to tell, and it's not your average bedtime story. We're diving into the world of Roberts Funeral Home - Ashland Obituaries, where the final curtain call is the star of the show. Now, don't go running for the hills, this isn't a horror story. It's more like a comedy of errors, a farce of fate, if you will. Let's dive in, shall we?

Meet Your Hosts: The Roberts Family

First things first, let's meet our gracious hosts, the Roberts family. They've been Ashland's welcoming committee to the great beyond since 1895. That's right, they've been at this for so long, they've outlived the horse and buggy. Now, I'm not saying they're immortal, but have you seen their family tree? It's like the Game of Thrones of Ashland, minus the dragons and plus a lot more mourning.

Now, you might be thinking, "How do they keep things fresh after all these years?" Well, let me tell you, the Roberts are nothing if not innovative. They've got a website now, can you believe it? Obituaries at your fingertips, 24/7. It's like they're saying, "Death never sleeps, so why should you?"

Obituary: The Original Social Media

Speaking of innovation, let's talk about the humble obituary. It's the original social media, folks. Before we were all sharing our breakfast on Instagram, people were sharing their final resting place in the local paper. And let me tell you, some of these obits are more entertaining than your average cat video.

Take old Eunice Thompson, for instance. She passed away last year at the ripe old age of 102. Her obituary read like a New York Times bestseller. She was a suffragette, a war hero, and a trapeze artist. Yes, you read that right. This woman was like the Indiana Jones of Ashland. Her obituary was so popular, it went viral. Well, as viral as an obituary can get in Ashland, anyway.

Death by... Laughter?

Now, I know what you're thinking, "This all sounds like fun and games, but what about the sad stuff?" Well, hold onto your hats, because here comes the twist. You see, Ashland's obituaries aren't just about the dearly departed. They're also about the dearly departed by.

That's right, folks. Ashland's obituaries aren't afraid to get a little... morbid. They'll tell you how someone kicked the bucket, and I don't mean in the metaphorical sense. Take Harold Jenkins, for example. He passed away last month, and his obituary read like a Roald Dahl story. Turns out, Harold was allergic to bees. Like, really allergic. So allergic, in fact, that he once went into anaphylactic shock after a bee flew into his mouth while he was yawning. Yes, you read that right. The man died from a bee yawn attack. I swear, I'm not making this up. You can check the obituary yourself. It's right there, under 'Deaths'.

When in Doubt, Blame the Weather

Now, you might be thinking, "That's all well and good, but what about the really sad stuff? The stuff that makes you want to cry into your coffee?" Well, here's a little secret. Ashland's obituaries have a failsafe for that. When in doubt, blame the weather.

Take Mabel Davis, for instance. She passed away last week, and her obituary read like a National Geographic special. It seems Mabel was out walking her dog when she was struck by a freak snowstorm. Yes, you read that right. A snowstorm. In Ashland. In April. The obituary didn't say whether the dog survived, but I like to think he did. I mean, who could blame him? If I had to choose between freezing to death and living with the guilt of surviving my owner, I'd choose the guilt every time.

And They All Lived Happily Ever After (Until They Didn't)

Now, I know what you're thinking. "This is all well and good, but what's the point? It's not like we can learn anything from these obituaries." Well, let me tell you, folks, there's a lesson in every obituary. And that lesson is this: life is short. So short, in fact, that it can be over before you can say "bee yawn attack".

So, the next time you're feeling down about the state of the world, or the state of your own life, remember Eunice Thompson. Remember Harold Jenkins. Remember Mabel Davis. They lived their lives to the fullest, and they went out with a bang. Literally, in Harold's case.

And remember, folks, when your time comes, make sure your obituary is a good one. Because, as the old saying goes, you can't take it with you, but you can make sure it's a hell of a send-off.

So, here's to the dearly departed, and here's to the rest of us. May we all live long enough to have a good obituary, and may we all die in a way that makes for a good story. And if all else fails, blame the weather.